Cash Daniel Johnson

Cash Daniel Johnson Born August 9, 2013 He was 7lbs 11oz and 20-1/2" long

Our beautiful, perfect little man was born without incident...Ten fingers, ten toes, he was born with a slight tan and giant black eyes. His perfect little round face along with his long skinny body made him look like a bobble head...but he was perfect. All of our hearts were filled with joy as everyone in that hospital room fell in love that day...

Then with the evening brought silence and time to bond with my little bundle of joy. I stared at his beautiful face for hours...long after Travis fell asleep. Even though my heart was breaking over the thought of raising him in a broken home, it was so full of love for this tiny being that I couldn't even be sad. As I finally drifted off to sleep, Cash still in my arms, the two of us propped up against the railing of the hospital bed to assure he couldn't fall off, something in the back of my mind stirred and a sudden wave of emotions came over me. I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling but I knew something was off. I looked at that precious sleeping baby and assured myself that everything was perfect as I finally drifted off to a state somewhere between awake and asleep. I call it "zombieland." It's as if I was asleep but awake enough to still hear everything that was happening around us. Every move or sound Cash made would alert my senses which would instantly assess the situation and notify me if I needed to actually wake up. I woke up to listen to Cash a total of six times. Cash woke up to eat only once. Something was keeping me attuned to his every move...his every breath...and every sound. I thought about it the next morning and that's when it finally dawned on me what was wrong. "It's his breathing," I told Travis. He looked at me like a deer in the headlights. I told him that I was up all night trying to figure out what was wrong with Cash and I had finally figured out that he was breathing funny. Travis listened to him for a moment and agreed that something did sound a little off. We called the nurse and she assured us she would notify the Dr. Not long after, the Dr. came in. He listened to Cash's chest, did his regular examination, and then told us he was good to go home. We were relieved and so incredibly excited to bring our little man home but I was still not completely convinced. Over the next hour, family was coming and going and plans began to take shape to check us out of the hospital. But I just couldn't stop listening to his breathing. In...out...in......out... I snapped out of the trance I was in when the nurse came to check on us. I told her of my worries and she assured me he was fine. She reiterated that he had been cleared by the previous Dr. but, upon looking into my desperate, pleading eyes, she offered to listen to him as a precaution. I watched her face intently. She had to hear it too... She had to... Come on... I felt my gaze burning into her skin...her flawless porcelain skin. And then...there it was. The confirmation I had been waiting for. She heard it too. Her eyes darted up to mine as I could instantly feel my eyes welling up with tears. I knew it. There was something wrong with my baby... The room spun in slow motion around me. I could hear Travis' voice talking to the nurse. I knew she was trying to console me but all I could hear was the pounding of my heart. I clung tight to my little angel as my heart exploded in agony. All I could think was, what is wrong with my baby? Is he in pain? I started to spiral into a deep hole, spinning endlessly into darkness thinking I was going to lose my baby. Then a man walked in wearing a white coat. I looked up at his blurry silhouette. His voice brought me back into reality. He informed me that he was going to take Cash to the nursery so they could run a few tests. My head automatically nodded in agreement as I placed my child, and my heart, into his arms. The next short period of time felt like an eternity. It wasn't long before the same male nurse returned, empty handed. He informed me that the beautiful golden hue my son was born with was actually jaundice. I sighed in relief thinking, okay, this isn't so bad. Many babies have jaundice. The Dr. explained that our blood types were incompatible so my body was trying to fight off his body thinking it was an infection. But the Dr did not stop there. It turned out that I was right about his odd breathing. Due to our blood types, his immune system was brought down because he was too busy fighting off my attacks and, though they weren't sure exactly how, he had developed pneumonia. With each word that came out of his mouth, my heart sank. All I wanted was to hold my son and I couldn't. The nurse asked if I wanted to go see him before they took him to the NICU and, in a haze of tears, I shook my head yes. All I could think about was my baby being all alone wondering where I was...thinking I abandoned him. When we arrived at the nursery, there he was, under the heat lamp, cables and monitors attached to his naked little body. At this point I was already crying hysterically and I hadn't even realized it. The nurse informed Travis and I that the lights were keeping Cash warm and started to explain what was going to happen. I heard Charlie Brown's teacher....waa waa waa waa waa...my eyes were focused on my son. Just then he shuddered and I could tell he had been crying hard before we came in. All I wanted to do was to run to him; to grab him off that table and hold him in my arms; to assure him that mommy was there for him. And I couldn't. The nurse directed me to a large chair nearby. I fell into it like a ton of bricks. Travis' worried face was suddenly very close to mine; his green eyes darting back and forth between mine. "Jenn," his voice was calm but I could hear the concern in his tone, "don't worry. Everything is going to be alright." He was trying to convince himself just as much as he was trying to convince me. The nurse interrupted us to ask if I wanted to hold Cash before they took him to the NICU. I nodded yes far too enthusiastically. Everything started spinning again until they laid him in my arms. The warmth of his skin instantly calmed me and I stared down at his perfect baby face and just melted like butter. Everything around me disappeared and, for a moment, it was just him and I. As they took him away, I just kept telling myself everything would be okay. It had to be. What a cruel trick it would be to give me this bundle of joy just to take him away. I tried to sleep that night but it was tough. I was terrified to wake up to horrible news...and once again, my mom-tuition I was right. The next morning, the nurse informed me that Cash got "so excited" that night that he blew a hole in his lung...thus earning him the nickname Teddy Bonkers. He was already slightly famous in the NICU, being the largest baby in there, but "Teddy Bonkers" had now officially made a name for himself.

When I was finally taken in to see him, he was sleeping peacefully in his "tanning bed."

His arm was bandaged with an IV. The nurse informed me that he was not sure if I would be able to hold him but he motioned toward the arm holes and said I could at least touch him. I sat there holding his tiny hand for as long as they would allow. I didn't want to leave his side.

When the Dr eventually came in and told me I could hold him I was ecstatic. They had me open my shirt so we could have skin-on-skin contact but, when they placed him against me he wanted nothing to do with that. He kept lifting his head and pulling back so he could look at me.

Tears streaming down my face, I held his head in my hands and we just stared at each other. He was so tiny...much smaller than my other two who weighed in at 9 and 11 pounds. Cash looked almost bird-like with his extremely long thin arms and legs and